Wayne's Wisdom:
Don't ask your pizza delivery driver for whippets when he's standing at your door on Memorial Day at 11:30pm.
First off, have a little respect for 1,354,664 men and women that have lost their lives fighting for the freedom that ultimately secured you the right to beg for drugs from otherwise unemployable adults that deliver food. Secondly, why would I deliver a pizza to your door while carrying paint thinner, gasoline, industrial strength glue and/or cans of Reddi Wip? As prepared as I like to be, lugging around an emergency bottle of extra strength degreaser in my cargo shorts isn't top priority. I know an astounding 13% of the US population (14-20% of 8th graders!) have supposedly dabbled in the dark arts of snorting office supply solvents, but that means there's a pretty solid chance that I'm part of the 87% of the gen pop that hasn't attempted to charbroil my brain by inhaling a half-liter of Febreze.
Seriously, why would I have a can of anything on me besides Red Bull when I'm driving around barely palatable food at a time when the only other people that are up are gang taggers, rapists and 7-Eleven gas station attendants? I don't want to ruin my coordination or slur my speech any more than I already do, and I definitely don't want to end up like the 180,000 annual hospitalizations that are needed as a result of inhalants. I just want to deliver your food so I can go home and cry myself to sleep about the fact that I just turned 30 and I'm still delivering pizzas to junkies that are half my age.
Don't hold back your literally half-baked demand for drugs for my sake, though. Don't even show restraint for the military that we're supposed to be honoring. I just want you to ask yourself if you really want to be remembered by friends and family as the 23 year-old that was found dead clutching a can of extra strength Axe deodorant? Is that really the end game that you had in mind? Because I'm guessing that your grand pappy that successfully avoided contracting tuberculosis and managed to hold back a Nazi insurgence in East Berlin had a different ending in mind for his apparently genetically flawed lineage. Don't try and live up to the lofty expectation of others, though, be a degenerate, just try not to rub the stink of failure off on the innocent bystanders around you.
